Take a Deep Breath, Take a Step Back, and Take a Moment to Realize What You've Forgotten

It seems much too long since I've written a new post--not out of laziness, lack of priorities, or pure animosity, but rather from the absence of inspiration and passion to write something beautiful.

I ask you, my dear friends, why must this always happen? Is it something I'm consistently doing wrong that kills my muse and destroys my love of "art?" Is it something I'm unconsciously doing to mask my insecurities in a hopeless and meaningless way? I just don't seem to understand why I continuously find myself in this situation--angry with both God and myself, discouraged from life, and swearing off my pen and its gift.

Sometimes, inspiration to write is hard to find. But I've learned over the years that the more you try to be inspired, the more you start digging a grave to kill your own writing. Nevertheless, I always seem to end up being my very own crypt-keeper; apparently, I never learn from my past mistakes. The revelation that the villain is truly myself, however, comes only after a graphic battle to unmask my true identity and discover who I am. And by the end of this gruesome fight, I realize that my love lays dying on the floor ready to be buried, and my excitement for life is no where to be found for it fled from war.

And so, after four tiresome, yet rewarding days on an "Emmaus-ing" journey, I've come to the realization that I'm not happy with myself--I'm not proud of where I've been, I'm not pleased with where I'm going, and I'm disappointed with the person I've become. Yet, the zeal to better myself, to improve my situations, to strengthen my relationship with both God and my family, seem to be nonexistent. In fact, the more I seem to examine myself, the more I realize there's not much to really examine. Not because the soul isn't something worth examining; on the contrary, it's by far the most intricately beautiful piece of art that God could ever create. But, my soul and my conscience seems to be falling deeper into a black abyss, and sadly, because of the lies I've been told and the truths I've refused to believe, it continues to fall without the will to bring it back up.

So, it really is time to take a deep breath, take a step back, and take a moment to remember what I've already forgotten. Because there's one truth and one reality...the rest is just a lie. And until I can figure out for myself whether we live in a fantasy world or we live within the truth, my heart will continue to skip a beat. And since my pen, this blog, and my writing lives to be the "breath" of my very heart, I guess it's time to discover what's making my heart lose its breath, and therefore, skip a beat.

And so, my friends, I think it's time to take a step back--not just from this blog, but from many things in my life. Perhaps it's time to set out on my own into the woods and see how far I can fight the darkness on my own. Perhaps it's time to live or die, sink or swim, and see how far life can take me without my safety nets always by my side. After all, what's the point of living if you never step out into the dangers of the wilderness to discover the hidden beauties that lie within the darkness?

I'm not quite sure what this all means--I'm not quite sure where I go from here, or if I'm even making sense to anyone, including myself. I'm not confident that I'm making the right decision, at all, but I need to try. I need to do this, for myself and myself alone, without any of the lies drowning out my ability to discover the truth.

So, here's to truth, the real truth. Here's to discovering what it is and where it hides, and why, for some strange reason, I've never been able to taste it. Let's hope the truth guides me to where I need to go, and if I get lost, gives me the courage to come back home. Here's to the "breath" of my heart, or lack thereof....just for now.